The Hidden Role of Anger in Highly Empathic Women: What If Your Anger Might Be Trying to Protect You?
The Anger Itself.
When I am counselling women, those with high levels of empathy
There is often a part that has been suppressed (through no fault of their own)
Anger.
Anger of emotional boundaries being crossed again and again (yes - emotional violation is a thing).
Anger of showing up deeply for other’s pain and suffering, but not having this reciprocated again and again.
Anger of holding everyone’s emotional baggage, what is unseen and unsaid, and not having this understood.
Anger of being used for your empathy, relied on, and then dismissed (or my professional words - shat on) when they no longer need you.
The Relational Cost of Empathy
For so many, with this beautiful, empathetic/sensitive nature, relationships can be built on over-giving, over-helping, and emotional sacrifices.
Often, when these people decide to finally set necessary boundaries for their own sanity and peace of mind, they end up facing a lot of heavy backlash from people who have been siphoning off this person’s empathy (e.g. relying heavily on this person over-accommodating, showing up emotionally and care-taking).
Once your empathy has protection and boundaries around it, the relationship with those who are leaning too heavily on your care-taking is no longer working in the same capacity.
It then reveals the wounding - the person not handling your boundary, may be reacting to their own stuff here and using the relationship to blanket their own issues (this is why I believe setting your own boundaries can help set others on the right path too, even if the relationship ends)
Why this is so hard…
It can be so hard for people with high levels of empathy to set boundaries - as they genuinely don’t want to cause other people pain, but it often occurs when the cost has become too great to themselves.
However, Unsuppressing The Anger is Necessary
The anger here, can often begin as this little thought, gut feeling, or a shift in our body that is trying to get our attention. But we have been accustomed to overriding it, and it’s very hard to not do this at first.
This sensation may be telling us our emotional boundaries are being violated, overstepped, pulled into something we didn’t fully want to get involved in or consent too.
This could look like someone venting to you about something quite heavy and traumatic, and next minute you are in a therapy session you didn’t consent to giving.
Or perhaps someone is unburdening something to you, and your empathy has been set off and you got pulled in as it genuinely made you feel sad for awhile.
Perhaps someone shares something, and you feel the pull to help them, fix it, or make it better.
Perhaps someone leans on you deeply, but when you need support, it’s not there in the same way.
Maybe it feels pretty one-sided.
What Happens Over Time When The Anger is Ignored
When we are accustomed to overriding our anger responses, or the ‘no’ that doesn’t actually want to continue showing up for someone in this capacity who is misusing our empathy, the internal cue to set a boundary goes amiss.
This feeling - the anger- is our protector - it wants to protect the sensitive part of you - the empathy.
Over time, suppressing this anger can leave someone feeling:
Incredibly burnt out
Drained
Resentful
In relationships where our worth is measured on how empathetic and kind we are being
In relationships where our real needs are not met, or reciprocated
Attracting relationships with wounded people who need therapy but won’t go there (yet look for a surrogate therapist in yourself)
Holding everything - everyone’s pain and unhealed trauma
& in severe cases - I see this pattern in women who are with perpetrators of family violence (keep in mind, if this is you, and you are currently in an intimate relationship with someone who perpetrates, you can’t build boundaries with this type of person - your system will override you on purpose - to keep you safe and alive, as it’s incredibly unsafe.
This is enough to make anyone tired and worn out and not able to live the life they are deserving of.
Reassurance…
If this is your story, I want to let you know, you are so so so worthy of reciprocal relationships where your empathy is honoured and protected by you and the people you are close with.
I absolutely love supporting women to connect into their anger - because within that feeling lies the boundaries and where your unique boundary compass is, and wants to keep you and your empathy safe.
It can be hard work - but it’s worth it.
And as always - you don’t have to do it alone.
Reach out here if you want help doing this → https://www.catherinehannahtherapies.com.au/connect
Until then,
Catherine
