How do we actually love ourselves? (When it has never been easy).

Self-Love as a Compassionate Practice (Not a Switch)

Self-love is a deep, compassionate practice. We can begin to love ourselves when we can discover where we have learnt, over the years, to abandon ourselves in order to be loved.

For many years, many therapists told me to love myself more. I would sit there scratching my head, thinking, “Yes, I know I struggle with this… but how on earth do you just love yourself? Is there a switch I haven’t flicked on, or something I’ve missed along the way?”

What I slowly came to understand is that self-love isn’t something you force or think your way into. The way I began to love myself was through understanding what parts weren’t letting me love myself and why.

Self-Abandonment and the Loss of Self-Trust

When we experience emotional abandonment, especially over long periods of time, we often learn to abandon ourselves. This can look like ignoring our needs, minimising our feelings, or shaping ourselves to be more acceptable or loveable to others.

Many people I support and counsel struggle with self-abandonment. These people often have deeply loving hearts, yet somewhere along the line, the love they pour into others does not get poured back into themselves, not nearly as much.

This isn’t a personal failure. It’s a protective response.

Why Self-Love Can Feel So Hard

There can be many parts within us that struggle to let love in or trust it and this makes sense. These parts often developed to protect us at a time when love felt unsafe, conditional, or inconsistent.

The journey of self-love is not about bypassing these parts or pushing them away. It’s about meeting them with compassion and understanding, so love can slowly be directed towards them, rather than demanded from them.

You Are Not Alone in This

If you struggle with self-love, you are not alone. We live in a world that makes it incredibly difficult to even like yourself - let alone love yourself.

You don’t need to figure this out on your own.

If this resonates, you’re welcome to reach out. I’d love to support you.