If people are set on misunderstanding you, let them.

Feeling misunderstood in relationships and conflict sucks.

It’s really hard when you’re navigating someone who is not open to seeing things from your perspective, particularly in conflict or relationships.

And they want you to take all the blame for a mutual issue, or their problems.

It can leave you feeling confused, gaslit, emotionally drained, and invalidated…

Things may end up being blown up way out of proportion.

Often with these dynamics, you are dealing with a set of common behaviours in the other person:

Defensiveness: where someone protects themselves from perceived criticism, often by denying, justifying, or shifting blame.

Projection: when someone attributes their own thoughts, feelings, or behaviours onto you, rather than taking responsibility for them themselves.

Rigid thinking: an inflexible way of thinking where someone struggles to consider other perspectives, adapt, or engage in collaborative problem-solving.

These patterns can make healthy communication and conflict resolution feel almost impossible.

When someone is operating from this space, I call it the ‘self-preservation mode’

So why do people do this?

Everyone is different, and I can’t comment specifically on your situation (unless you come book with me).
But if you’re feeling misunderstood in conflict or relationships, there are some common patterns at play.

But in general, I’d argue attachment trauma, particularly when it comes to how people respond to conflict in relationships

When you’re dealing with conflict, it requires a sophisticated set of adult thinking and communication, navigating two perspectives, hearing the other person (even when it’s hard), and actually coming up with a game plan that meets both needs - over the long-term.

Often, when you’re dealing with someone who is set on misunderstanding you, they hear your feedback as an attack and go straight into ‘fight/flight/freeze’ which is a common trauma response in conflict. It’s kind of like they revert back to a child-like way of seeing the world, often driven by emotional triggers rather than logic.

You’re no longer dealing with an adult brain but a 4-year-old throwing a tantrum. You are now the threat they have to take out they are no longer seeing you as a person. Their brain can’t compute beyond black-and-white thinking, also known as rigid thinking.

You have activated (through no fault of your own - but through their own trauma history) - the part of their brain that won’t allow them to sit with discomfort. They are completely in the amygdala (the threat response) and the part of the brain in control of logic, processing goes offline, so any form of feedback is filtered as a criticism to the self. Therefore the full brain is not functioning.

If we bring the ‘parts work’ lens, the real self goes offline and you get this intense protective part of them (often becaues the real self feels shame and will avoid this feeling at all cost). Therefore the protector won’t tolerate this and will protect the real self at all costs.

And your scratching your head thinking - it’s not that big of a deal? I don’t get it.

This does makes sense in context of their past. The response you are getting is someone who is deeply traumatised and is reacting to past angry at mum or dad most of the time - not you specifically (however you are now the target of their frustrations).

But as an adult, being on the receiving end of this can range from… very frustrating to majorly infuriating, to say the least.

(What’s worse is when this kind of dynamic shows up in power imbalances, like with a boss or authority figure, or someone you live with.)

I already know this, Catherine… but why does it still feel so difficult?

If you’re someone who is pretty level-headed, self-aware, and understanding, and have some emotional intelligence about you, you generally expect most adults to respond to you in the same way, especially in relationships and conflict.

Unfortunately, we really do have a world of people navigating unresolved trauma, particularly when it comes to communication and emotional regulation.

When someone misunderstands you, it can feel like, “If only I explain my side clearly, they’ll finally understand.”

“If only I try harder, they’ll get it.”

Because to be honest, healthy conflict is often resolved through this form.

However, the problem is, with these personalities, it won’t. They often find themselves drawn to relationship dynamics where people don’t have strong boundaries, making it easier to avoid accountability, and your left having to take on way to much accountability.

The brain wants certainty. It wants closure. But there are simply some personalities who are not safe to get this from, especially in emotionally unsafe or one-sided relationships, when they won’t go inwards to address this defensive response.

Trying to get someone to understand you, believe you, and meet you halfway when they are set on not doing this is like pouring energy into a bucket with a hole in it, no matter how much you give, it never holds.

So what do I do then?

It’s really hard, but if they have shown a pattern of not hearing you, and using behaviours to avoid going inwards then you are going to have to let them misunderstand you in conflict.

Let yourself be the villain in their narrative in difficult relationships.

This doesn’t mean we bend the knee here. If we do this, we are still not seperating ourselves. We create stronger boundaries with this person - not to punish, but to protect us from being pulled into this narrative.

What I notice sometimes, is these people unconciously do pick up on it. You may get some more escalation (some gossip, or more passive aggressive comments)… but they realise.

Longer term they notice it. It’s not easy, it can quite stressful. It will test you, but you can do it.

The other part is developing strong self awareness, knowing what parts are yours and what parts belong to them. When you know yourself well, what’s okay and what’s not okay, it’s a lot harder for other people to attempt to control you.

A beautiful reframe can be:

The people who are meant for you are the ones who aren’t hell-bent on seeing you as the bad guy the moment conflict emerges.

They are the ones who will bring relief to the conflict. Who will sit with you through it and come to a healthy, fair resolution.

These people signal safety to the nervous system, reduce stress. You exhale around them, not hold your breath, wondering what side of them you will get.

If that person cannot handle healthy conflict, they are exhibiting psychologically unsafe behaviours, and that is not a person who is worthy of your previous energy.

Those behaviours mentioned above do fall into the psychological abuse realm and are enough to make anyone feel like they are going insane in emotionally unsafe relationships.

You deserve people who will hear you out and believe you.

Okay… that makes sense, but how do I avoid this in relationship or conflict?

You actually can’t, because to avoid getting to know people would mean committing to a life of loneliness and not actually getting to know anyone.

What we can do is figure out ways to help you develop strong discernment skills to determine whether someone has the capacity to handle healthy conflict in relationship well - and not blame you for everything and whether or not to let them into your orbit (by that I mean, your inner world). We can discern whether you want this person in your world, what your own deal breakers are, and when it’s time to leave this dynamic so they can’t take as much from you. We can also explore the kind of relationshisp you want, and help you see that you are worthy of them.

When meeting people, take your time opening up to them. Observe them, how they talk about people, about past relationships and conflict, and your gut feeling around them (the nervous system will always give us information about emotional safety if something isn’t quite right - that’s why I love supporting people to connect to their emotions).

You don’t need to play all your cards straight away. People will always show us who they are.

This is where counselling helps, and having someone around you who can support you objectively here.

There are some dynamics we simply might not be able to escape, or not ready to yet (workplace, family or long-term relationship dynamics), but we can definitely explore what your unique boundaries in relationships can look like here to keep your peace protected as much as possible.

We can’t stop people behaving… weirdly or unsafely. But we can determine how much access we give them (this is going to look different for each dynamic and person).

We can support you to know your worth, to feel empowered in conflict, to know your values and boundaries, and to stand your ground when someone is overstepping your boundaries.

Final takeway…

Being misunderstood does suck. I know.

It’s that icky feeling of, “that’s not what it was like for me,” but they are refusing to hear it.

I don’t know any person who is hell-bent on misunderstanding people who is genuinely happy inside and has found peace. Most people eventually see through this longer-term.

Knowing yourself and trusting yourself can help.

If this resonated, reach out. We can work to help you with this area. Book in here → https://www.catherinehannahtherapies.com.au/connect

*Quick note - if you are experiencing family violence, this blog post is not for you. No amount of boundaries can protect you from an abuser. In fact, setting boundaries will escalate abuse. It is important to get professional help you towards safety plan (which is your fundamental right). If you are in Australia, call 1800 RESPECT which is a great starting point on this journey.